Donning my 'Thinking Hat'

      The biggest happening in the past few months for me is that I became a mother. I had been basking in all the attention, love and care everyone was showering me with throughout my pregnancy, that I failed to prepare for motherhood. And when Liana was born, I was completely lost, trying desperately to cling on to my old carefree independence. But that wasn't how it was meant to be...And with no words spoken, but with a gaze and a smile, she has taken over my life - forever! She has changed me in a way years of life, or even marriage did. She has taught me to love her in a way I knew not possible and with her birth not just a baby, but a mother was born as well.

      Every moment in the whole journey is fresh in my mind. It is with fond affection I recall our first visit to my Gynae; I remember so clearly how she looked in the very first scan, her little heart beating fast; it is with a smile I think of how she used to move about relentlessly, and then scare me by not moving at all for hours on end; and I recollect the glow of pride every time we said the scan says its  girl...

      But a quick glace at the newspaper forces me out of my reverie. Rape news is becoming so common, I think there will be column to accommodate them soon, just like we have our Sports section, and Obituaries.

     Looking back on how thrilled we were when we knew we were having a baby, I am forced to think of how rape victims would have reacted to the same news. We so easily blame those who 'dump' their babies in orphanages, or in 'Ammathottil', that we fail to comprehend the factors behind it all. Considering that the mother was a victim of rape - how else can a mentally distraught woman be expected to respond?  While the media get their bread and butter by flashing such news in bold text, what is becoming of the victim at that very minute? Most of them are not allowed to live to read stories of themselves in the next days paper, but when they do, they are going through untold trauma for the next nine months, a trauma combined with guilt which will continue till the minute they breathe their last.

      When I see Liana, I see so much of Andrew in her - the same one sided smile, the same quick frown of the brow when she concentrates - and all these intensify the love I have for the two most important people in my life. Wouldn't all the rape victims have their share of reminders as well, and who would want, or be able to withstand the constant memory of one's rapist on their mind?

      Liana smiles in her sleep (Baby, how peaceful and beautiful your world must be) and with a pang I realize that rapists, and all bad men-Hitler included, must have been an innocent babe once.

      Dear Lydia acca's book says that becoming a mother makes one cruelly aware of the harsh realities of the world,  and fills one with anxiety as to how to safely bring up one's child in it. Is that what makes me think of such things at this moment when I should be happily cuddling my baby and helping her develop self confidence and trust? Another acca I know said she wanted a girl, but was scared to wish for one after all the news one hears. How do I instil confidence and a positive attitude in my innocent child when I know what lurks outside? Am I breaking her spirit by being overly cautious, or will I be a inept  mother by not protecting her? At times I almost wish I can hold Liana on to my lap and never let her go out of my sight - But then I don't want her growing up a scaredy-cat. I want to teach her to lean on God to know when to be bold and when to be cautious.  God help me to do it right. I truly wish I could send her out into a world in all it's goodness the way God intended it to be when He made it...