Donning my 'Thinking Hat'

      The biggest happening in the past few months for me is that I became a mother. I had been basking in all the attention, love and care everyone was showering me with throughout my pregnancy, that I failed to prepare for motherhood. And when Liana was born, I was completely lost, trying desperately to cling on to my old carefree independence. But that wasn't how it was meant to be...And with no words spoken, but with a gaze and a smile, she has taken over my life - forever! She has changed me in a way years of life, or even marriage did. She has taught me to love her in a way I knew not possible and with her birth not just a baby, but a mother was born as well.

      Every moment in the whole journey is fresh in my mind. It is with fond affection I recall our first visit to my Gynae; I remember so clearly how she looked in the very first scan, her little heart beating fast; it is with a smile I think of how she used to move about relentlessly, and then scare me by not moving at all for hours on end; and I recollect the glow of pride every time we said the scan says its  girl...

      But a quick glace at the newspaper forces me out of my reverie. Rape news is becoming so common, I think there will be column to accommodate them soon, just like we have our Sports section, and Obituaries.

     Looking back on how thrilled we were when we knew we were having a baby, I am forced to think of how rape victims would have reacted to the same news. We so easily blame those who 'dump' their babies in orphanages, or in 'Ammathottil', that we fail to comprehend the factors behind it all. Considering that the mother was a victim of rape - how else can a mentally distraught woman be expected to respond?  While the media get their bread and butter by flashing such news in bold text, what is becoming of the victim at that very minute? Most of them are not allowed to live to read stories of themselves in the next days paper, but when they do, they are going through untold trauma for the next nine months, a trauma combined with guilt which will continue till the minute they breathe their last.

      When I see Liana, I see so much of Andrew in her - the same one sided smile, the same quick frown of the brow when she concentrates - and all these intensify the love I have for the two most important people in my life. Wouldn't all the rape victims have their share of reminders as well, and who would want, or be able to withstand the constant memory of one's rapist on their mind?

      Liana smiles in her sleep (Baby, how peaceful and beautiful your world must be) and with a pang I realize that rapists, and all bad men-Hitler included, must have been an innocent babe once.

      Dear Lydia acca's book says that becoming a mother makes one cruelly aware of the harsh realities of the world,  and fills one with anxiety as to how to safely bring up one's child in it. Is that what makes me think of such things at this moment when I should be happily cuddling my baby and helping her develop self confidence and trust? Another acca I know said she wanted a girl, but was scared to wish for one after all the news one hears. How do I instil confidence and a positive attitude in my innocent child when I know what lurks outside? Am I breaking her spirit by being overly cautious, or will I be a inept  mother by not protecting her? At times I almost wish I can hold Liana on to my lap and never let her go out of my sight - But then I don't want her growing up a scaredy-cat. I want to teach her to lean on God to know when to be bold and when to be cautious.  God help me to do it right. I truly wish I could send her out into a world in all it's goodness the way God intended it to be when He made it...

Pay to pray?

Do offerings come out of our blessings, or do we offer to be blessed?

This might be as complex as, 'Which comes first, the chicken or the egg?

• Some say that 1/10th of all you get is for the poor and for spreading the Gospel of God,
• According to some, 1/10th is a minimum which should go to the Church, and funds to the poor go from the remaining income. 
• Some others hold that all should be given towards God's ministry, and God will take care of you and your family. 

There might be other viewpoints as well, but the point to note is that money is the talk even in Christianity. Is it happening of late, or has it always been there? I recall one of the pastors at our Church who used to pray every Sunday, "Thank you, Lord, for you brought us to Church not empty handed, but with offerings to give." So what is the message conveyed to those who do not have anything to offer? Isn't church the place where we communicate with God and rejoice in his presence?When did it become necessary to go only with gifts, as if to an acquaintance's home? Isn't prayer, praise and a humble heart what the Lord looks for?

During a Sunday sermon a man who had recently accepted God as his personal saviour  was called to the alter to pray, and for everyone to see him. He knelt down, answered his oaths, got up to see a huge tray being extended to his face, for him to place his offerings of thanks. I wonder what image was created in that young man's heart that day. Were we inviting him to be part of our Christian family, or looking into his wallet to see how much this new 'sheep' can offer? This is just one such incident. In many Churches, people celebrating birthdays and anniversaries that week ahead, are invited to pray at the alter where the preacher prays for them by placing his hands on his head. A lovely sight to behold.  A second preacher following the main preacher with a collection tray for every person the pastor prays for? Not so lovely. Are we charging for each prayer? I personally feel so connected when I pray at the alter, and feel so close to God. And anyone who feels thankful will offer their thanks even if a tray is not extended.

And it's not just our churches which give much importance to offerings. I used to follow the messages of a T.V evangelist regularly. His messages seemed to be meaningful, and so honest, and to the point. This all changed the day I attended his meeting in Chennai. Supposed to start at 5:30, he never showed up till 8:30 PM, and my friend and I were out on permission and supposed to be back in hostel by 9:00. Everyone was asked to stand up and sing, and to sit down after placing our offerings in the boxes being passed around. I was stunned, but I sat down after offering a token of money. A woman in the row ahead of me didn't have anything to offer, so she kept standing for a while, and abruptly sat down towards the end of the song. I would have left the meeting even if it hadn't been time for me to leave. I haven't listened to his sermon after that day.

And then comes the holy Lent. I have tried to avoid Non-vegetarian foods during lent thinking I was pleasing God. But Andrew says we gain nothing by just going without non-vegetarian food through out Lent. That it makes better sense to give out the money saved from not purchasing the avoided food, to the poor. There is truth in this, the Bible says to fast and pray, never only to fast. In our busy lives, while we find it easier to fast, than to fast and pray, are we gaining anything, or doing anything really pleasing to God?

I hear many people saying that religion is a scam, that people are in it only for the money. Anyone who hasn't experienced the presence, love and the might of God will see only the hands stretched for money, and the politics in Churches. We deter many a wandering souls by our small acts.

Even as children we are taught to give to God in order to receive. A teacher in my school once told us a story where a business man went to Church in sorrow. He was finding it difficult to make end's meet, and while he was praying the preacher challenged to give the tithe properly which will open Heaven's blessings. The man started doing so, and from the next month on his wealth poured in, and he gave more and more. I remember telling this to my mama, and she said that prayer and tithe are not magic, and if so, everyone would be a christian and giving his tithe to get his blessings. She taught me the meaning of true faith, and acceptance of God even when prayers are not answered. 'Prosperity Gospel' is not Christianity in its whole true self. Christians have their share of worldly sorrow and trouble, but great is the reward in the end.

I am not against offerings, nor am I against supporting our churches. Agreed, it is our Christian duty to support our Churches and God's ministry - but at our calling! Not to please the huge crowd which assesses me when my name is read out along with the amount I offered, or to be a part of the rat race for my name to be printed in bold in the offerings sheet. My offerings should come out of my gratefulness, along with my prayers, and tears of joy - not as a chore, because a tray is held up to me. Isn't it better that one doesn't give an offering at all than offer with a grudge?  Doesn't the Bible say that a humble heart is most pleasing to our God? Isn't it time we realize and show others that money is not the only way to show our thankfulness to Christ, and is meaningless if offered without a contrite and God seeking heart?