'An hour of sleep before midnight is worth two after' - anonymous
How true! Yawn, and the clock strikes half past one. Liana is in my arms, playing her latest new game, hitting her head heavily my chest with a thud, going back, and striking again. Even in the morning it holds very little fun for me, but at this hour of the night, it's no fun at all. I turn to look at Andrew checking his Whatsapp updates under the bed sheet, hiding from Liana. Any sign that he is awake will make her grin and jump about and that would end all hopes of catching a few hours of sleep.
A few months later... It's 1:00 am. I have learnt better since the old days. I put her in her bed, and run out before anyone can say boo. She screams for about 30 seconds (I keep counting, hiding just out of her sight) and after which she lies down and hugs Bingo, her toy dog which I had bought for myself but which she made her own, but that is another story. The point is, she falls asleep on her own. But today, I checked in half an hour later, and she's singing "Ringa, Ringa roses" and turning around, holding Bingo's wobbly hands. It's so cute, maybe I should take a photo, but that would tell her I am there. So NO!
Fast forward 2 months... It suddenly strikes me that Liana is growing up fast, and soon I wouldn't be able to rock her to sleep. Filled with guilt, and anxiety, all I want is for her to sleep in my arms, even if it was just one more time. But sadly the monkey has grown up already, and she kicks and stomps and raises a hue, but won't sleep in my arms. I cried... It's hard for anyone other than an emotional mother to comprehend. So I'd understand if it sounds weird or funny. ;) I tried so many times, all I wanted was for my baby to fall asleep in my arms, and watch her sleep, and I couldn't. I started to pray. I was desperate, I knew I had let slip a beautiful phase of my baby's life, and I was never going to get it back. And then a few days later it happened. On the way home in the car she fell asleep in my arms, and I carried her sleeping to her bed. I cried again. I still remember how peaceful she looked, and how delighted I felt.
Crying has become a very regular thing now a days, after motherhood. Not the "boo hoo" crying. But eyes welling up with pride, with happiness, with feelings I can't describe or knew existed until now.
Thanks to God, Liana did sleep in my arms many times after that. But it was an important lesson for me. Each day, she's getting bigger, and just a little out of my reach. I am reminded of song by ABBA:
"Slipping through my fingers all the time,
Each time I think I am close to knowing,
She keeps on growing,
Slipping through my fingers all the time..."
Liana will grow up, as all children should. God willing, we'll be around to share it with her. And we place everything in God's mighty hands.